On the Brink of Divorce: How We Came Back from the Edge and the Message We Want to Share with You

The most common dynamic we see in BTG is where two partners have opposite brain types. They manual process on opposite sides of their brain and it creates a reality so different from each other, it feels impossible to live a life with this person.

Besides our children and our values, we didn't have much of anything else in common and that made it so impossible to live with each other. Everything about how we did things, how we communicated, how we prioritized things, and what we cared about, felt different.

Countless times we almost threw in the towel, most of them during a fight or meltdown where we were emotional. But during a particular low time in our marriage, i remember this one time we were talking about a recent episode and trying to figure out how to put a stop to the crazy roller coaster we were on. We looked at each other and said, "this is too hard, there's TOO much working against us right now." There was just too many triggers while raising a family that would set us off.

We sat down calmly, rationally, and we professed our love for each other. Then we pragmatically talked about getting a divorce. We could see that being together was killing us both and we didn't want the kids to be around that toxic environment. We didn't want to keep harming each other. We didn't want the kids to have to worry that their parents were going to get divorced every other day. We concocted a plan. We thought that if we divorced on good terms, knowing that we loved each other, we could go our separate ways, save the kids from a toxic environment, save ourselves from harming each other (emotionally and mentally)and that when things calmed down when we were older, we'd get back together.

It was grimm. It was bleak. It was sad... the fact that we loved each other so much, but couldn't see a way to make it work. So much so that we thought we had to throw it all away, only to stick a pin in it and hope we made it back together?! To me, it felt clear. The things I needed from him seemed so simple to me, but to him, seemed impossible. It always seemed like he was withholding from me. But that day in the kitchen, when he was as somber as he could be, willing to walk away from it all, willing to set us all free from the emotional harm he felt he was inflicting on us. He told me he wanted so badly to be the husband and father that we needed, he wanted it more than ever. He just didn't know how to do it...

I knew if I walked away then, I couldn't be sure I would ever go back. I loved him more than anything, but what if I found someone that was better, who treated me better, who understood me better, who could love me better. I wouldn't be able to turn away from that. I feared our love wasn't strong enough to pull me back in, what if I was happy with the life I would build with someone else. Then it dawned on me.

I didn't actually WANT anyone else. I wanted HIM. I just didn't want the mess we were in. I didn't want the HURT we were enduring.

Then I just got so frustrated, so angry that we were IN this situation. In a circumstance the perpetually stretched him past his capacity 24/7, in a circumstance that would mean I would have to settle for less than I really need. In a circumstance that made me feel like I had to dim myself to maintain the peace. A circumstance that always seemed to require one of us to "drown" mentally or emotionally just to keep the relationship and family afloat.

Then I got frustrated that we couldn't figure it out. Was it our own foolish pride? We're we both just too stubborn. Was our own stubbornness RUINING our family? This tore at my heart. I didn't think we were being too stubborn. I had definitely accused him of that, but this particular day, I could see the deep sincerity in his heart. He had the same desires as me. We just couldn't seem to find a way to bridge the gap that kept us apart.

We talked more about the logistics of divorce, how to keep the kids in his life without overwhelming him, how to divide things, it's not like we had any assets to divide, we were always dirt poor (adding to the stress). As we followed through this conversation we finally looked at each other. And in so many words, he told me that he didn't know how to be what we needed, but he couldn't let us go, and he wanted to keep trying, even if it killed him.

He's never been the type to chase after me and I HATED that. I am a hopeless romantic, so that looks like I am a glutton for punishment. Even when there looks like NO shred of hope, I am the type that would hold on. But if I, out of anger or frustration threatened to end it, he would say he wouldn't hold me back. It just never seemed to get that far to where we would make it a reality. I would always go back to the drawing board and try again and he would agree.

But he's always been the pragmatic type to cut his losses and go. The know when to fold em kinda guy. I always misinterpreted that as him not feeling I was worth fighting for. Or worth the hard times. The message I got from him day one was, "I don't need to be here, I can leave anytime I want." And he had said that early in our marriage. I had no way to interpret that except to believe he was ready to leave at a moments notice. (After our breakthrough, I learned that had been a misunderstanding, his point in saying that was to let me know he was CHOOSING to stay. But because of the differences in how we operated, there was no way for me to interpret that meaning based on how he acted.) After we had kids he wouldn't say things like that, but I could feel like he was just enduring a death sentence. He was there cause he had to be, and it was killing him.

If I asked him flat out if he loved me, or loved us, he would look bewildered and downright insulted that I could ask such a thing. He thought his actions every day, his mental energy sacrifices (that we couldn't see) were a testament of his undying love for us. But his every day efforts to be the man we needed him to be, without the resources and capability to do it, forced him to drown mentally, and his drowning surfaced like rigidity, annoyance, tolerance, impatience... etc... The messages were mixed, he said he loved us, but this? This isn't the way you show someone you love them? But then I'd get a gold nugget moment, where he explicitly said he wanted to fight for us. And boy, did that feed the fire of my hopeless romantic.

I'm not going to say that neither of us had pride at times, or that neither of us were selfish, or that neither of us were stubborn. Cause it's not true. But in our case, the stubbornness ended up helping us reach the point of our breakthrough. When you are stubborn toward each other, that can break your marriage. When you are stubborn regarding resolving a problem about your marriage, that stubbornness becomes determination. Ultimately, it was the vehicle that enabled us to last as long as we did. It allowed us to ride the crazy train a million times and collect the clues we needed each time. It allowed us to "Rocky" up for the millionth time when our marriage was knocked down. And while I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, I know now that our own hard headedness was a necessary piece of our cocktail that would help us put back together the marriage it had seemed to destroy.

But it wasn't the thing that was ruining it. There WAS something ruining our family. It was deeper than pride, or stubbornness, or any other characteristic. Our neurons in our brain had been altered long ago. We were chronically living in a state of cellular survival, forcing each of us to operate from our own versions of survival mechanisms. And since we operated at the OPPOSITE sides of our brain. Our survival mechanisms were OPPOSITE. (Of course) He fought to process his logic. I fought to process my emotions. Both of us in an invisible subconscious chronic survival state in addition to the ones we could visibly see at the surface. Our own drive to process the world around us, our very own survival mechanisms clashed. Not only that, but our circumstances and situation was exacerbating our cellular survival mode, driving us farther and farther apart.

Unfortunately, this wasn't the last time on the crazy train. We would spiral down farther and farther before we had collected all the pieces we needed to finally make sense of our situation. But we didn't give up. No matter how much we wanted to. We held on. And to be honest. Love was not enough. We had our own personal divine inspiration and guidance that we relied on. I am in no way trying to romanticize what we went through. It was horrible. But I also know it was required to get the answers we finally got. We were just crazy enough to keep going. If this sounds too familiar. I'm happy to tell you being different doesn't have to mean a death sentence for the relationship. We went to the edge and came back with a message of hope.

I am NOT telling anyone to keep riding the crazy train. In fact, I am telling you it's OK to get off now. We found the answer so YOU don't have to keep putting your mental and emotional health at risk anymore. BTG helped us finally put all the pieces together. It gave us the TOOLS and the capability to be the best version of ourselves. The best version of ourselves created the BEST version of our relationship naturally.

Don't do BTG for others. Don't do it for your spouse or partner. Don't do it to make OTHERS happy. Don't do it to fit a mold that's not YOU.

Do it for YOU. Do it to bring yourself peace under any circumstance. Do it because YOU are worth it. Your relationship, your family, your children. They will all naturally fall into place after that.

There is a message of hope. The message is you don't have to keep killing yourself in a dead end relationship and you don't need to give up on them either. We don't want people turning away from their loved ones. BTG brings families and relationships together. BTG gives the instruction manual to do that.

Comment below if you have ever felt this way or share this with someone who has!