It’s Not Your Partner’s Fault, and It’s Not Yours Either: Why Finding a New Partner Won’t Solve Your Relationship Problems

In the throes of relationship struggles, it’s all too easy to conclude that your partner is the problem. After all, from your perspective, you're doing your best, and what they’re asking seems unreasonable. This misunderstanding is further perpetuated when you interact successfully with others. If the only person you have problems with is your partner, the evidence seems to stack up against them.

But consider this: what if it's neither you nor your partner that’s the problem? How could that be possible?

The Language Barrier Analogy

Imagine this scenario: You believe you speak English very well. You’re an excellent communicator and get along great with colleagues and friends. Yet, you only have communication issues when you come home to your partner. Naturally, it’s easy to think they’re the problem. Meanwhile, your partner also believes they are an excellent communicator and experiences no issues with their coworkers or friends. They’re convinced you must be the problem.

One day, you learn that you don’t actually speak English; you speak Japanese. All the people at your job also speak Japanese. Coincidentally, your partner discovers that they don’t speak English either; they speak Italian, as do their friends and coworkers. With this new awareness, you both realize you need a translator. You weren’t the problem, nor were they; you were simply speaking different languages without realizing it.

At BTG, we teach you to understand each other's "language." Through our communication companions and by learning about each other’s brain types (the equivalent of learning about someone’s culture), you can transform your relationship. Even if the communication isn't perfect, understanding and speaking the same "language" greatly increases the chances of successful interactions.

Finding a Similar Partner VS a Compatible Partner

A common pitfall we can fall into is the belief that to have a thriving relationship, you need to find someone who is similar to you. This idea is not Brain Type specific, I have heard this from all the brain types. I can't tell you how many times I have soothed a distressed individual as their eyes became open to just how different they were from their spouse/partner. This sinking feeling that you are worlds apart is real, this can also be exacerbated when you have a history of failed relationships with others who may have been your opposite. It doesn't need to be an obstacle anymore. But this is a fundamental misunderstanding. People often measure compatibility by the frequency of positive interactions. More positive interactions lead your brain to believe you are highly compatible. Conversely, more negative interactions make you think you are less compatible. Typically, when you find someone with similar interests, similar communication styles, similar ways of processessing, you have more frequent positive interactions. This leads to the idea that you need to find someone similar to you to be considered compatible. However, compatibility is not a measure of sameness.

True Compatibility: A Dynamic Concept

In reality, opposites can be highly compatible. Two puzzle pieces that are the same are not designed to fit together. When you are paired with someone who is opposite of you, you have the chance to leverage the strengths they bring to the table and grow from their weaknesses. They may be strong where you are weak, and this allows you to stretch and grow. This can only be done when you're not focused solely on their deficits. The thing is, even if you are partnered with someone very similar to you, if you focus on all their flaws, you will still have an increased amount of negative interactions, which by the current standard, would mean you are still incompatible. I don't think we intentionally try to focus on our partners flaws, but our brains will focus on resolving the stimuli in our surroundings that don't make sense. When our partner's are opposite of us, they often don't make sense. We try to interpret their behaviors from our own brain type, and it simply does not compute.

This leads to a false notion that compatibility is static. If being with your partner isn’t easy, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re incompatible. Compatibility is not about being the same; it’s about complementing each other’s strengths and weaknesses. Our natural drive to make sense of our relationships and interactions has driven us to a heightened sense of awareness of the negative. You are still not wrong for this, it's natural to try to make sense of things that break our brains. But there's a solution to this issue, and it doesn't mean you need to throw the person away.

Why a New Partner Won't Fix the Problem

While it may seem like it fixes the issue, this can just be temporary. Even if you find someone more similar to you, you will still face issues because they aren't your carbon copy. Every individual is unique, and differences will always exist. The problem isn't your partner, it's the inability to process your partner. Additionally, finding someone exactly like you leaves no room for personal growth. If you decide to change and grow personally, your seemingly perfect relationship might be at risk, creating stagnancy for the rest of your life. Sometime last year this hit me pretty deep. I was watching a YouTube creator, a big personality, who made all sorts of musical or skit-type videos. His level of intensity and extrovert-ness was something that I would have died to have in a partner when I was young. As I watched his video with my current brain, I was exhausted, I couldn't imagine keeping up with that level of intensity. But I realized, he was the same as I was 18 years ago. Had I married someone like me then, I would be dealing with a marriage where we had "grown apart." Because of our differences, Sean and I had the opposite, we were apart when we started, so after all this time, instead of "growing apart", we actually "grew together." This is because we were so different, but we loved each other and forged a path that made that possible.

Moreover, the idea that a new partner will solve your problems is often a fallacy. Each relationship brings its own set of challenges. Instead of seeking someone new, it’s more effective to learn how to navigate and resolve conflicts within your current relationship. This allows you to salvage the investment you have already put into your current relationship. You can read my other blog post that talks about fighting for a relationship that feels like it's not worth fighting for HERE.

I have seen many people who figure this out by their 3rd or 4th relationship. They begin to run out of people, or they give up on the concept of a relationship altogether thinking it must not be in the cards for them. You can save yourself the heartache of the next 3 breakups if you simply learn how to understand your current one.

Flipping the Script on Compatibility

At BTG, we show you how to flip the script. We demonstrate that compatibility is dynamic. Differences don’t have to lead to negative interactions. By understanding each other’s brain types and using our communication tools, you can start turning those differences into strengths. Think of the Yin and Yang: though opposite, they fit together perfectly. You don't need to throw away your partner who speaks "Japanese" in search of one that speaks "Italian." Likewise, you don't need to throw away a partner who speaks "Italian" to find one who speaks "Japanese." You just need to recognize you are both speaking different languages and learn about each other's culture and find a translator.

Steps to Thriving in a Relationship

1. Understand Your Brain Types: Learn about your own and your partner’s brain types. This is akin to understanding someone’s culture. It helps you see why they process and respond the way they do. Do this as soon as you have the ability!

2. Use Communication Companions: These tools act like translators, helping bridge the gap between different communication styles and processing frameworks. You can use these immediately to begin having more successful interactions!

3. Embrace Differences: Recognize that differences are not inherently negative. They can complement each other and create a stronger, more balanced relationship. Sean helps me process my emotions, I help him process his logic.

4. Focus on Positive Interactions: Actively work on increasing positive interactions. Even small efforts can significantly impact the overall dynamic of your relationship. Use your personal boxes to process the negative aspects, so it doesn't burden your brain while your relationship is growing.

5. Dynamic Compatibility: Remember that compatibility is not a fixed trait. It evolves and grows with understanding. If you are not happy in the moment, remember, it's just a moment in time, it doesn't have to be that way forever. Growing in your understanding will increase your dynamic compatibility.

A New Perspective on Relationship Problems

Right now, your partner doesn’t make a lot of sense, so your brain works on hyperdrive to understand them. Once you learn to make sense of your partner, their flaws can actually become endearing. I know that sounds crazy, but it’s true. My husband couldn’t understand nearly anything about me before our breakthrough. After it, the things that used to break his brain began to not bother him anymore; soon, they became adorable to him. I feel the adoration from him. Many of my deficits were resolved when I got my Baby Steps Box, but as we've discovered more in the last year, I have had some eye-opening moments about how much I am still manually processing my emotions. He's strong for me when I am weak, I am strong for him when he is weak, and together we tackle things as a team.

Finding a new partner won’t solve your relationship problems if the underlying issue is a misunderstanding of how you and your current partner communicate and process differently. By learning to speak the same "language" and appreciating your dynamic compatibility, you can transform your relationship from one of constant friction to one of harmonious growth. It’s not your partner’s fault, and it’s not yours either. It’s about understanding, translating, and working together to create a thriving relationship.

Sound off in the comments if you have ever felt like you needed to just scrap the relationship and start new with someone else more like you.