Navigating a neurodiverse relationship can be a journey filled with unique challenges and profound discoveries. Without the right tools and understanding, these relationships often follow a predictable pattern that can lead to frustration, misunderstandings, toxic environments, and broken relationships and families. We were stuck perpetually repeating the last 5 stages, sending us both into mental and emotional destruction. It wasn't until the life-changing breakthrough that we had yanked us out of the pit of the impossible. Launching us on a trajectory we had only dreamed of. With Bridging the Gap (BTG) and the tools and frameworks we provide, you can break the cycle and get off the crazy train. In this blog post, we'll explore the stages of a neurodiverse relationship and how BTG can offer hope and change the narrative.
Stages of a Neurodiverse Relationship
Connection or Attraction
Initial Attraction: You find someone who usually has qualities that are opposite of you. They are the yin to your yang, and it feels good. This stage is characterized by the excitement and novelty of discovering a partner who complements and contrasts with your traits. In some relationships, this is just the stage they find a suitable mate for what they are hoping for in life. For example, a man is relieved he found someone who will be a good mother for the children he hopes to raise. Or someone who has reliable qualities and will provide for the family they hope to have. For some, they are just happy to have found someone who will be able to provide the functional needs they have in life.
Demand
Increased Intimacy: As the relationship deepens, the demand for personal resources increases. If you are merging your life with someone, the demands on your time, energy, and emotional resources are much higher than those required in less intimate relationships, such as with acquaintances or coworkers.
Strain on Resources: This natural heightened demand places a strain on the neurodiverse partner, who may struggle to meet the expectations and needs of the relationship. Sometimes there are two neurodiverse partners and they are just opposites in where the neurodiversity is occuring.
Deficit
Resource Shortage: The neurodiverse partner may find themselves unable to meet the escalating demands, leading to a state of deficit. This can manifest as emotional exhaustion, frustration, and a sense of being overwhelmed.
Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Fawn: In response to this stress, the neurodiverse partner might resort to one of the primary stress responses—fight (conflict), flight (withdrawal), freeze (inactivity), or fawn (appeasement).
Compounding
Exacerbation: With each life transition and increasing demands, (more children, changing jobs, loss, injuries, health problems, etc...) the deficits in personal resources get larger and larger, this results in more significant fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses.
Confusion
Miscommunication: Without recognizing the presence of neurodiversity, both partners experience massive miscommunication and misunderstanding. The other partner may interpret the neurodiverse partner’s stress responses incorrectly, leading to further confusion.
Distorted Perceptions: This stage can build a distorted view of each other, fostering a scary and unsettling image of the partner. The unknown elements of their behavior can be terrifying and breed resentment.
Combustion
Breaking Point: This is the breaking point for one or both partners. The accumulated stress and misunderstandings drive the need for significant change. It's apparent that something is terribly wrong in the relationship and it has become a toxic environment.
Action
Decision to Act: Partners must decide whether to end the relationship or seek changes. This stage is critical as it determines the future trajectory of the relationship.
Breakup or Adaptation: If the decision is to seek changes, partners move forward with the intention of addressing the underlying issues.
Discovery:
Relief and Hope: This can be relieving for some partners to finally have an answer. Understanding the root cause of the relationship’s challenges restores some hope and provides a clearer path forward. Some partners are hopeful and excited and skip straight to Stage 16.
Shock
Initial Reaction: Upon discovering neurodiversity in the relationship, one or both partners may initially feel shocked. This stage involves a sense of disbelief and numbness as they grapple with the new information. Learning about a partner's diagnosis of autism or ADHD can be overwhelming, as it challenges long-held beliefs about the relationship.
Denial
Minimizing Impact: One or both partners may deny the significance of the discovery. They might minimize the impact of neurodiversity, insisting that things can continue as they were. This denial can manifest as ignoring the need for accommodations or refusing to acknowledge the unique needs and challenges that come with neurodiversity.
Disbelief
Questioning the Diagnosis: Similar to denial but more specific, disbelief involves questioning the accuracy of the diagnosis or the extent to which neurodiversity affects the relationship. Partners may seek second opinions or cling to the hope that the diagnosis is incorrect.
Anger
Directed Frustration: Anger can be directed inward or outward. One might feel frustrated with their partner for not fitting into the neurotypical mold, or angry at themselves for not recognizing the signs earlier. This stage can also involve resentment towards the neurodiversity itself, viewing it as an obstacle or source of conflict in the relationship. It can also get directed at the neurodiverse partner, feeling like they were tricked.
Bargaining
Negotiation Attempts: Partners may attempt to negotiate ways to mitigate the impact of neurodiversity. They might propose solutions that, while well-intentioned, do not fully address the needs of both partners. For example, one might promise to be more patient in exchange for their partner trying harder to meet neurotypical expectations.
Guilt
Self-Blame: Guilt arises from feelings of responsibility for the difficulties in the relationship. One partner might blame themselves for not recognizing the neurodiversity sooner, or for feeling frustrated with their partner's differences. This stage can be particularly challenging as it involves self-reflection and often harsh self-judgment.
Pain and Suffering
Emotional Distress: This stage involves deep emotional pain as partners come to terms with the challenges and changes needed in the relationship. It's a period of intense emotional distress, where the full impact of the discovery is felt. Partners might feel overwhelmed by the adjustments required and the effort needed to understand each other better.
Learning
Exploration of Solutions: Partners begin to explore realistic solutions and coping strategies. They might seek out resources, join support groups, or start therapy to better understand and manage the neurodiversity in their relationship. This stage is about experimentation and finding what works best for both partners. Depending on what they find in this stage will determine the next stage. If they find something hopeful, they can rebuild and create a new relationship that works for both of them. If they search to no avail, it will lead to another cycle of grief.
Grief
Mourning Lost Dreams: There is a period of grief for the life and relationship they desired but now seem unattainable. Both partners mourn the loss of their idealized relationship and future together.
Relationship Hospice
Managing the End: The relationship enters a stage of “hospice,” where it feels effectively dead but both partners try to stay comfortable until it officially ends. This could be through a breakup, continuing in a state of emotional disengagement until one or both partners decide to end the relationship. For some relationships, the “relationship hospice” ends when real death is present.
Confusion
Miscommunication: For some, the relationship hospice cycles back into the confusion stage. Even with the awareness of neurodiversity, the confusion and misunderstandings can drive the continuation of a vicious cycle. Without the proper information learned in the “Learning stage”, couples continue to have misunderstandings
Distorted Perceptions: This continues to drive the gap farther and farther from each other. These misunderstandings can cause a deterioration of the desire to save the relationship.
Combustion
Breaking Point: This is the breaking point for one or both partners. The accumulated stress and misunderstandings drive the need for significant change. This leads to repeating the learning stage again in hopes there will be a significant change or discovery. If no change or discovery is made another cycle of grief and hospice continues until the relationship finally actually ends.
Breaking the Cycle with BTG
If you want off this crazy rollar coaster, you are not alone, and you definitely aren't bad for wanting it to end. We had thrown around the word "divorce" about 200 times before we both realized it was simply code for "I want the pain to stop". With the vicious cycle of neurodiverse relationships, it can feel like that's the only option for ending your ride on the crazy train, but not anymore. With BTG’s tools, you can dramatically alter the trajectory of your neurodiverse relationship, breaking the vicious cycle and transforming the ending. BTG specifically interjects at the Learning stage by providing new information and tools that are life changing. By understanding brain types, employing personalized processing worksheets, and utilizing communication companions, partners can finally bridge the gap that separates them, fostering a deeper connection and a more resilient partnership. It's also important to note that this cycle applies to any type of relationship, for example, your neurodiverse children might not be able to physically sever a relationship while young, but they will grow up someday, and if you haven't implemented tools to understand them, you risk being stuck in the same pattern as your romantic relationship.
Neurodiverse relationships, while challenging, can be profoundly rewarding with the right tools and understanding. I wouldn't choose any other relationship now. There is not a soul out there who understands me the way my husband does. The stages outlined above are the typical cycle that people find themselves in, the more times around the merry-go-round, the sicker you feel and the worse it gets. But with the support and resources provided by BTG, couples can break the cycle, address their unique needs, and build a fulfilling, resilient relationship.
If you’re navigating a neurodiverse relationship and recognize these stages, don’t wait for the cycle to repeat... again. No matter what stage you are at, with BTG, you can skip to the good parts and change the ending of your relationship story. There you can get on the gameboard and embark on a journey of understanding, connection, and lasting happiness.
Comment below what stage you are at, and what ending you are hoping for!
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