When in relationship distress, there are often two opposing roles we take on. That of the seeker and that of the shelterer. This dynamic is a direct result of the type of manual processing we are experiencing (this determines our Brain Types and CDR Profile). A very common dynamic we deal with is for the woman in a relationship to be the seeker, paired with a partner who is the shelterer. This is not exclusive to gender, but for simplicity purposes, I will be referencing this dynamic as a concrete example. (Note: In my family, I have two sons who manually process emotions, so I know firsthand it’s not gender specific.)
Understanding the Dynamic
Seekers: Seekers are those who are manually processing emotions to some degree. The more emotions they are manually processing, the more apparent the symptoms and signs become to themselves and others. Someone who is mildly manually processing emotions their whole life can suddenly be escalated when placed in a relationship with a partner who manually processes logic. This often exacerbates their manual processing, creating an environment where they no longer feel they can keep up with the onslaught of emotions. This leaves them with a primary survival mechanism where they are in a state where they feel compelled to "Do/Feel Everything." This heightened emotional awareness drives them to seek information and change, especially when the relationship is in turmoil, often at the expense of their well-being. Due to manually processing emotions, the primary way they will feel connected is by feelings, a positive vibe present during interactions with their loved ones. Because they are often paired with a partner who manually processes logic, their partner is unaware of the vibes they are emitting when interacting. An interaction must have a positive vibe for things to feel right. The absence of a vibe will feel negative, actual negative vibes are even worse. This triggers an alarm that tells their brain, “We can’t connect!” Or worse, “We’re picking up a negative connection!” The drive to resolve this critical connection issue is very strong and they usually are intrinsically motivated to seek external help. This "fire on the outside" (relationship issues) creates a "fire on the inside" (internally processing the lack of connection). The only way seekers see a path for experiencing relief is to put out the fire on the outside, this will subdue the fire inside.
Shelterers: On the other hand, brains that primarily manually process their logic will handle the relationship issues completely differently. Peeling back all the processing layers, at the core, they find themselves two options for processing the issues: the "Me Box" (where things must make sense to be able to process) and the "Trash Bin” (where their brain ejects whatever isn’t making sense). The "Me Box" is their refuge—a place they retreat to for relief and survival. At this point, they don’t have the luxury of using this space for deep reflection or how they can personally change their relationships, the brain is triaging their needs and prioritizing the things necessary for their brain’s survival. This protective bubble often prevents them from seeking external help or change. Leaving that mental space plants them firmly in the trash of their mind and that is too overwhelming for many. The fire on the inside (their brain trash) is bigger than the fire on the outside (the relationship issues). The shelterer will only act when the fire on the outside becomes bigger than the fire on the inside, but that takes a lot.
Consequently, they often find connection through function, so if the relationship is functioning in a logical way (each partner functionally filling your roles and responsibilities) ie: He is providing while the partner cares for the children, (or whatever agreed upon role distribution) etc… Then chances are, he is feeling connected to his partner, he isn’t aware something is wrong until the partner tells him there is a problem. He may become distressed, simply because the problems pointed out (not feeling connected) look invisible. With an invisible problem, they feel lost and disoriented about how to fix it, sending them into a horrible paradox. They may love their partner, but knowing their partner is miserable with no apparent way to resolve the matter makes it feel impossible for the relationship to survive. Some may end the relationship prematurely because they simply cannot see a way for it to be fixed, feeling it’s cruel to subject their partner to any more misery. Some stay and repeat the same things over and over until insanity kicks in.
Because of these fundamental processing differences, those who manually process emotions often find themselves in the role of the seeker—the one who reaches out for tools, information, and change. It's not that they aren’t struggling as much as their partner, both are drowning severely in their own ways. However, their survival strategies differ. Seekers swim toward the lifeboat, actively seeking rescue, while Shelterers often remain in their "Me Box," sheltered but stagnant. How each shelterer or seeker individually handles the crisis is also heavily dependent on their CDR Profile. This is the primary way their brain responds to their processing crisis; fight, flight, freeze, fawn.
Why You Are the One Seeking Change
When the relationship is struggling, it might feel unfair that you are the one swimming toward help. But this dynamic arises because your survival mechanism propels you to find relief and solutions. You are the seeker, driven by an innate need to do and feel something different, something better.
It's crucial to understand that while it might seem like a heavy burden, your proactive approach is powerful. You have the potential to create change, not just for the relationship, but for yourself.
You Are Not Responsible for Fixing Your Partner or the Relationship
Here’s the important part: you don’t have to do anything to change your partner or the relationship, you are in survival too my friend, you just need to take care of yourself for now. The change in the relationship becomes a natural consequence of you finding and using the tools for yourself. When you take steps to understand and support yourself, you start to relieve your own emotional burden. As you learn about your own needs and tools, you become more capable, more powerful, and less overwhelmed. This personal growth creates a ripple effect.
The Inertia of Change
Seekers often feel it’s unfair they seem to be doing all the footwork in the relationship. And you’re right. You are doing all the emotional footwork in your relationship because that’s what you are manually processing. Your partner most likely feels they’re doing all of the footwork in the relationship too, but regarding their logic. It’s not fair. None of this is fair. No part of a neurodiverse relationship is fair to either one. I’m sure you both feel like you didn’t sign up for this. All it takes is one person to save a relationship and two to make it thrive. If you are the one swimming toward the lifeboat, your actions create inertia. If you feel resentment, thinking, "Why am I the only one seeking change?" Remember, it's not about doing it for your partner—it's about finding relief for yourself. Do it for you.
You have three choices:
1. Sit there and do nothing, waiting for the shelterer to come out while the relationship continues to deteriorate (spoiler alert, the chances the shelterer can ever come out on their own are slim to none).
2. Decide it’s not your problem anymore. You can leave and chalk it all up to life experience and hope the next person you find isn’t manually processing Logic.
3. Take steps for your relief that in turn positively influence the relationship and your partner.
By focusing on your own growth and well-being, you naturally influence the relationship. As you become less burdened, you create an environment that allows the shelterer to emerge from their own personal prison.
Helping Those Who Swim Toward Us
We focus first on the person swimming toward us because they are the ones ready and willing to engage. In a situation where both partners are struggling, we have to help the ones actively seeking change. This is why it’s always directed at you, the seeker, in the beginning. It’s not because you’re the only one that needs to change. To get to the ultimate end goal you will need both partners, but it’s a process. This initial help creates the momentum needed for broader relationship improvements.
You might be the one bearing the weight of instigating change, but remember, this journey is about empowering yourself. You have to want this for you. Even if your relationship is over and done, you will still need BTG as an individual. It helps you heal, it helps you with the loved ones that remain in your life, and sets you up with tools for future relationships. So don’t think you have to be the martyr anymore. It’s time for you to do this for you. It just so happens that as you learn and grow, you naturally become more capable of influencing the relationship and it has positive effects on it, it’s a win/win. So remember Seekers, your drive for learning may be coming from a place of survival now, but it’s the exact key you need to unlock your happiness and positively affect those around you. You have more power and influence than you realize.
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